Currently Listening Sound of Silver By LCD Soundsystem Sound of Silver see related

i'm posting my thoughts here because this is the last place anyone i know would remember to check for blog updates, if anyone still looks. 

I'm tired, i'm tired of being used and neglected and treated like shit because i'm dependable.  I'm learning a life lesson that i wish was not meant to be learned: nice guys don't finish at all and if you're dependable you're given last priority and thought of only rarely.  and because i know no one will read this, i'm just going to copy from my journal.  i do this for... i don't know why.  maybe some random person skimming through xanga might read and offer insight; and because i have no one to vent to anymore about this, and keeping it secret in my journal is just as bad as keep it in my head, maybe posting here, though never read it'll still bring the release of telling someone.  that said, the following is taken, verbatim, from my journal.

So I'm beginning to be taught a lesson on life: nice guys get pats on the back and "attaboy"s and if you're dependable, you get screwed, royally because they know that they can do whatever the hell they want and you'll still be there.  I know that ryan got so much more attention and love and time with lacy because she never knew when he'd be there.  But, for me, because I was there whenever I say I would be and because I never lied to her, it just felt that i was given much less importance. And now Syd.  I've been friends with her for well over 8 years, and have gotten closer, so much more open, within the last 6 months.  But because of her schedule, I haven't seen her in over a month.  But she meets a new guy, after breaking up with danny (but that really never mattered if she was with danny or not if a certain guy came calling, even here i won't mention that name), and sees him twice in one weekend.  It's rare for her to have that much free time, and i completely get giving one night to her new man, but both? I don't get a night with her because I've become last priority because i've been here for 8 years.  My loyalty and dependability make me option last.  Yes, it is a fully jealous feeling, but, in my mind, after always being there for friends and making the sacrifices of time and money that i've made, damnit, i'm allowed to be selfish for a bit! The other bad thing is this: I can't be otherwise! I can not stop being loyal and always there.  I can not abandon friends to prove a point or to hurt them back.  so is it my lot in life to be hurt constantly and always alone?
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(and if that wasn't enough ranting, here's the next entry.  now i know no one is reading this far, who would?!)

I guess it's worth noting that I'm actually not depressed, just down and disappointed.  I can't say that I can see myself dating syd, but I want to spend time with her, I want to hold and kiss her.  I want to be with her.  Is this merely wanting what I know I can't have or a confusion of deep friendship with a crush?  I wish this paper could talk back, respond to my rhetorical questions with helpful insights to help me clarify all of this.  Ryan, I guess, listened (or used to, he's rare on returning texts or getting together), but his advice is always a bit... odd?  The only person I had to vent to was Syd and that's gone now, for this situation at least.  There's B-Dove, but it's hit or miss when I can talk to him.  I have such bad and strong issues with jealousy, abandonment, and the complete lack of self-worth and self-confidence.  My mind works too hard and talks too loud for me to find an escape.  I think when working, sleeping, playing, and even when I'm drunk (which hasn't been in months since I get to benefit from it).  What can I do?  Answer me paper and ink!!!
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(but wait, there's more)

Am I totally unjustified in my feelings and thoughts?  Syd couldn't have cared less why I felt so upset and annoyed.  No one seems to really give a rip about how I'm feeling.  I care deeply about the pains of my friends and follow up out of genuine concern but it never seems to be returned.  When I go thru my depressions, someone might ask if i'm doing better, but no one asks or keeps asking about why and tries to help and offer assistance like i try to, i'm not important enough to be worth their time and efforts and energy.  I want to be loved, especially at this time of the year when everyone has someone to hold close in the cold and snuggle up with to watch a movie over hot chocolate and fall asleep with someone in their arms.  Nate tries to offer his help and advice; but i simply can't alter who I am to make myself more appealing.  Hell, I have a hard enough time dealing with myself the way I am now, I'll be fucked if I change something.  It's a characteristic of my personality that I'm as transparant as glass.  I am who I am and I tell all at the asking (not including using any part of my life as an illustration for a sermon), I can't change who I am.  Why am I so unnattractive to women?  what about me repulses them?  or why am I always the straight-gay friend? meaning i'm always a girls friend, hearing their complaints and letting them vent to me.  they know they're safe with me and from me, but no girl ever wants a relationship with me, ever.  i'm just cursed.

ok, so that was three days worth of journal entries and it's pretty clear that i'm pathetic, but eh well.  there's nothing I can do and i'm just destined to be alone, not just without a relationship, but also surrounded by hallow friendships.  it does feel a bit good to have typed all this out, i just wonder if annyone at all will ever read this.

too much is changing

I have complained about this school, I have taken part in protests against certain decisions this school has made, I have butted heads with more than one person, i have lost sleep over studying, i have cared so little for work that I wait unitl 5 minutes before it's due to complete it, i have reached the bottom of my faith here, i have reached the highest point of my relationship with God, i know more about the Bible and religion and what it means to be a Christian than i could ever have imagined possible.  I have made friends that i have given my heart to, men and women who I will see everyday no matter where I am, people i have cried with and laughed with, people i have lost control with, people who have helped me through one of the darkest depressions in my life and kept me alive by being who they are.  and tomorrow i'm leaving.  some people are going to their careers, other are continuing their education, one my absolute closest friends is moving to another country for years.  i have lived here for four years and have experienced more and grown more and loved more than all my years prior to CBC could account for.  and now i'm leaving.  i know some people i will never see again on this world, some I will, but things are changing and will never be the same.  for the friends whom I will not see again, for the people i will never talk to again, i cry.  for the uncertainty of my life, i shake.  but i thank God for these four years, for the friends who have loved me for who I am and been there for me, for experiences I have had and the lessons I have learned, I thank God. 

Prudential Potential (american deep cuts) Part 1

Regular text: Nate Gallagher
Italic text: myself

These words string along the scenes I play in my mind

Images that scare me and fill me with putrid regret
my pen drips with blood from the escape I attempt

It's not like legs just migrate on a single whim
everything is forced with electrifying dismay

The same mind that forces me to breathe to live
is told by my soul to cut deep, do the job well

The scars, ignorant of emotion, reopen
I've done this before, I'll do it again, negligent of consequence

This is not a cry for help, a plea for attention
I do not care for your prefabricated responses of pity
This is to feel
To cut through the cold numb that has iced over my life

Tissue is educated too we know
respawning and spreading to seal the vents I space
Though my guide is absent, he's nestled inside
why else would a useless body preserve its secret

Each day that undiscovered country
the one no traveller returns from
looks much better than this residence
I have bourne my fardels
my bare bodkin in my hand

Currently Listening Mud on the Tires By Brad Paisley see related

in a country sort of mood

Well, I'll never forget the first time that I heard
That pretty mouth say that dirty word
And I can't even remember now
What she backed my truck into
But she covered her mouth and her face got red
And she just looked so darn cute
That I couldn't even act like I was mad.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that.

That's like just last year on my birthday
She lost all track of time and burnt the cake
And every smoke detector in the house was going off
And she was just about to cry until I took her in my arms
And I tried not to let her see me laugh.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that.

I know she's not perfect
But she tries so hard for me
And I thank God that she isn't
'Cause how boring would that be
It's the little imperfections
It's the sudden change of plans
When she misreads the directions
And we're lost but holding hands.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that.

When she's laying on my shoulder
On the sofa in the dark
And about the time she falls asleep
So does my right arm
And I want so bad to move it
'Cause it's tingling and it's numb
She looks so much like an angel
That I don't want to wake her up.
Yeah, I live for little moments.

When she steals my heart again
And doesn't even know it.
Yeah, I live for little moments like that...

--Brad Paisley

Epiphany

she's the girl that will dance to music
she's the girl that will enjoy a quiet cup of coffee and listen to jazz and blues
she's the girl that fears and loves God more than life
she's the girl that can laugh and never be ashamed of it
she's the girl that can understand dry sarcastic wit and see the love behind it
she wants a family as much as I do
she enjoys the arts and all things different from main stream
she knows her beauty despite what the world says
she knows how beautiful she is to me without me saying it, even though I will say it quite often
she can wear a dress, plaid, and a scarf and look amazing
she will make my life whole and I hers
where, who is she?